A long night by Sozah Ruzario

A Long Night by Sozah Ruzario She was complaining about the music her guy listened to. I dont even know how it started, I just walked in and there was the discussion. She listens to Miguel, Maxwell, you know… Wale for the vanilla sex bomb or whatever that song is called. He listens to Hosea Chipanga, Tambaoga, you know… Chinx for that drop a bomb on vanilla skinned people no matter what sex or whatever that song is called. (Anyone who tells me Chinx’s songs are not racist is freaking deaf) Rule Number 2 on surviving Harare night life: Never ever, under any circumstances, wait to be invited into a conversation. So I’m like “Whats going on here?” Note. I dont know these people. They are just people having drinks. The mistake this woman made was that she held eye contact with me for more than two seconds. That counts as an introduction. The thing about Rule 2 is that people will always resist you coming in to the discussion because of their inbred sensibilities… but the truth is deep down, they really want you to know about their lives because humans are lonely without interest. She looks at me with that, “Do I know you?” look. “I tell you what,” I say, “you guys tell me what youre talking about and I’ll get the next round” Rule number 3: Everybody loves a buyer. Never forget that rule. It will open doors for you if not legs. Hahaha That was a joke. Anyway. Needless to say the story comes out. She’s telling her friend that she’s contemplating dumping her boyfriend because his playlist is not exactly Aston Martin music. Now the trick I have taken years to perfect is the art of dispensing wisdom without sounding like a stuck up Dr Phil. Its not going to be easy for you to learn, but lets give it a go. First, when you talk to more than two people, position your body so each of the people you are talking to feels as though you are talking only to them. This is an important and curious skill because we all know it subconsciously. This is why when three people walk together the one telling the interesting story or who is the subject of the story is the person walking in the middle. “But you know, youre out here having drinks with your mate laughing and cringing that your man likes Hosea Chipanga… count yourself blessed its Hosea Chipanga and not Hazel Chiponga from next door.” She looks at me oddly and her friend nods. I touch her shoulder. Body contact is essential in establishing a connection… more on that later. Then I smile at her friend and say, “Think about it, how many women out there are going crazy coz their man is busy on the phone listening to some other woman, no offence but you should count yourself lucky that he’s busy listening to another dude. Its a quirk, its something to laugh at him for if you want, love him for it… not leave him.” Would you believe me if I told you we spent one hour talking about just that one topic, a guy and his taste for music? It evolved at some point to how men had it better than women. I raised my eyebrows at that. And she was adamant. Yes. She said. Men have it better. In what ? You ask. Relationships. Personally, and I told her this to her face mind you, women dont have a clue how good they have it. “I said do you know the amount of guts necessary to approach a woman and just say hi?” And “If he should get rejected how much self esteem he needs to summon to be able to do it again?” A man who will not hunt will not eat after all. And this girl, with a bobbing of her head side to side tells me that she has the guts to approach a man. I laughed at that. Spoken like an amateur posing as a feminist. Ill tell you why that is not a wise thing to do as a woman, even in this brave new world. There is a psychological dynamic involved in stepping up to a person that goes beyond what you have been taught to believe. First of all a man is a hunter. The only animals that hunt a hunter are animals like lions and tigers. All of which have meat that is not edible. Think on that analogy. But to be deeper… When you propose the idea of “like” to someone… the mandate is on you to convince the other person of this idea. Macking on someone is not just a pick up line at a bar. Its a process that can take weeks if not months and involves dates and presents and calls, all in the hope of proving to the other person that you really do like them and getting them to like you too. Can a woman really pull this off? If youre female, can you invest 3 weeks of your life and a chunk of your income toward me being comfortable enough to let you kiss me? Second thing or third thing, Im not sure I havent been counting… do you know why women are fussed over? Like when the guy is like “Baby whats wrong?” and she’s like “Nothing” when there’s obviously something. And she’s giving him the silent treatment and making him work and sweat… you know why women can get away with that? Cos WE asked you out. Thats why. You can get away with it because as far as the universe is concerned you didnt ask to be my girlfriend or wife… you were busy minding your own business before I told you some line about your dad being a thief because he stole the stars and put them in your eyes. I’m the one who changed the course of your life and convinced you this relationship is worth having. So a woman can get away with the whole “try harder” thing because she is the customer here, Im the one who wanted her with me before she even knew I existed. Now imagine the woman macks on the guy. That tells ANY guy, even if he says yes to your game or whatever, that YOU wanted him. Not the other way round. So he’s allowed to act out because its on you to “try harder” Anyway. Thats a whole subject on its own. Let not dwell on it. THE END Know your writer: Sozah Ruzario I am an editor of a Magazine called Very Zim, my favourite thing in the world is thinking… my second favourite thing in the world is expressing… and my third favourite thing in the world is doing it all again. In that order. I’ve authored a book titled Magnum Opus: The Secrets of Life for Nine Ninety Nine, which was a collection of short stories with titles like How to Keep Your Man by Delilah, How to Seduce a Woman, and various other thought provoking titles. My writing style is prose. I like to write as easily as I speak so when I write I simply type the dialogues going on in my head, like some sort of witness, or that court guy who transcribes the testimonies on his machine. My earliest inspiration was Sydney Sheldon, then Wole Soyinka, then Dean Koontz and Stephen King.. then Shakespeare and Oscar Wilde… I was taken by their styles, the ease they seemed to write. Locally the writers that have interested me are writers I have been exposed to. Philani Amadeus Nyoni is one. Find me on http:/www.facebook.com/Sozah/Ruzario Sozahs work on ZtorieBhuku A long night a story of a night conversation between total strangers in a Harare bar. How juju can get back your lost lover wife + sangoma + danky hut = crazy story read these on http:www.facebook.com/Ztorie/Bhuku or on our blog http://www.ztoriebhuku.wordpress.com

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